So I’m back on the #30Layers30Days writing challenge created by GGRENEEWRITES on IG. For the month of May, the prompts are centered around self-care and mental health. If you wish to start writing click the link above to view. The aim is to write everyday for the entirety of the month. I’ll be updating this post with all of my writings so stay tuned.
Day 1. In my skin
Staring at myself in the mirror, I touched my belly overwhelmed. Can I look beyond its structure or even the stretch marks on my thighs and feel the creativity, the pain and intensity firing in my skin. If I could just drop the layers, then I’ll be satisfied and what if I am never satisfied? Do I crumble and continue to hide or do I accept that each layer embodies a story, laugher, tears and parts of me wanting to be seen.
Day 2. Happy Face
I get told often that I need to smile more. Put on a happy face, there’s nothing to be sad about. First of all I’m not sad, I just have a lot on my mind like all the time. Being on this spiritual journey has shown me how much I’ve been masking all my life. I subscribed to the law of seeing what I want manifest then I’ll be happy and that surely didn’t work. Then I thought ah, find peace within, but how?
This led me down a series of events that has changed my entire perspective on life and my thought process. Let contrast be your friend.
Day 3. Carry the weight
Before recognizing I was on a spiritual path I would be extremely exhausted and stressed about everything. I felt like I was in a bubble and no one can see nor her me. It never really occurred to me until I got sick that I honestly had no reason to be torturing myself that way.
Letting go of the unnecessary baggage took time with deep and subtle introspect.
There were days when I would throw in the towel, days when I would wake up feeling on top of the world and days when I want to be left alone in my bubble with my thoughts.
I’m here to tell you that its okay to feel the way you’re feeling. There is no wrong or right way and you do not have to carry the weight alone. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. It is not a state of weakness but one of power that shows you have feelings and they matter.
Day 4. Quiet the mind
When I sit in preparation for meditation and quiet the mind, the state between the inhale and exhale grounds me. In this stillness no judgement occurs and my body is in full awareness. Thoughts are coming and going like I train but I remain present in the vibration of my higher self.
Day 5. The next person
If people come into our lives for specific reasons, why do we form attachments that makes it so difficult at times to let go?
I joked around saying the next person that comes walking through the door needs to hand me the blueprint so that I will be fully prepared for the ride, only to figure out how mundane I was living.
Day 6. Courage to leave
Pent up frustrations & constant overthinking while my body depleted slowly. Why am I holding onto thoughts that serve no purpose? Why am I so afraid? How do I cough up the courage to leave that which does not serve my highest good but acts as my comfort for it is all I know? I stand with it. I shed the tears. I feel the emotions as they arise and slowly let them fade as I reach for what little sweetness is left in me.
Day 7. Turn on the lights
There is a window in my being. I longed to explore its dimensions but fear held me captive. Like a soldier wounded in battle with the faint sound of horses trodding he stretches forth his hand with the attempt to signal. It all seems black and white but a small glimmer of hope beckoned within. I want to turn on the lights of my subconscious and rid myself of the dirty little logics that have me wounded.
Day 8. Halfway There
Staring at the clouds as they pass with birds dancing in the sky. Looks like a family of three. Baby bird is in the lead while papa bird is guiding And mama at the back yelling hey wait for me slow down. Kind of like riding a bike. You build up momentum filled with excitement and halfway there fear kicks in with a great fall but you get back up ready to ride again.
Day 9. Inner World
As a child I day dreamed a lot. So much that I disliked school and wanted to stay at home. There was something missing, I couldn’t put my hands on it but I knew. My inner world is vast with potential that scared the heck out of me. Here I am now at the age of 29 remembering that 7 year old girl that longed for acceptance in a world so dim. She waited for me and is holding my hand with a voice and vision that illuminates.
Day 10. Gradual Shift
Trail and error made me realize that it’s okay to make mistakes or fail. I was being hard on myself for not having it all figured out. I was selfish and allowed my ego to transcend my being . A gradual shift occurred when the tears ran out and I was face to face with my inner child. I was cold and scared to be alone with her. I like horror scene waiting with anticipation for what’s going to happen next.
Day 11. Breaking Point
My legs are exhausted from walking up the mountain. Eager to reach the peak I can hardly catch my breath while slowly drifting down, I reached my breaking point. This is not for me, it’s too hard and I am weary. I will never know what it is like at the top if I give up while turning back can only grant me comfort in the moment. It’s in moments like these I get to draw from the universe all the strength I need knowing that I am fully supported. I am never alone.
Day 12. Full Serving
My dreams are never too much. After all I am the co-creator of my life and in this life I want a full serving of unlimited pleasantness and potential to encompass every area. I deserve it.
Day 13. What I Need Today
Each day has meaning and purpose so when I sit to meditate I let the message come to me. What I need today is tranquility. I’m writing this entry at the end of the day and I can conclude that it was indeed calm. When I surrender to the universe I witness more and more how being human is truly powerful.
Day 14. Rhythms and Cycles
Considering how the world is drastically changing yet we are at a standstill with this pandemic shows that Mother Nature is still in charge. An overwhelming feeling came upon me as the clock struck 12 on Jan 1st 2020. An feeling quite known yet I couldn’t put my fingers on it.
Later on I would come to know exactly what I was fearing and the limitations I were to overcome. The rhythms and cycles of life danced in numerous ways that I felt the heel broke off my shoe and it was time to sit in solitude.
Day 15. Outside the Lines
Being in my comfort zone for too long left me feeling somewhat bored. At first it was a means of protection then it slowly began to play with me mentally. I am an artist and I was meant to color outside the lines, it’s where I create my masterpiece after all.
Day 16. Spark Joy
Things that spark joy into my life. The wind in my face on a hot, sunny day. The sun as it sets while watching the birds make their way home. Hummingbirds as they dance upon the tree branches as the rain falls.
Day 17. Closed Doors
Some seasons taught me that certain things I wanted wasn’t meant for me. I either wasn’t fully prepared, a lesson has to be learned or it’s time to move on. I no longer fear closed doors, it’s a natural phenomenon of life.
Day 18. Bad Feelings
I navigate my body using my emotions. Whenever I get bad feelings about a situation or person, I allow myself to process these feelings by acknowledging and asking questions. I then surrender them to the universe for they are not mine to keep.
Day 19. Cannot Speak
She was lost and alone although her life reflected differently. She longed for acceptance in a world where she’d never fit in. I cannot speak for everyone but I can speak for me for I am her.
Though scared and frustrated I faced my greatest adversity; being alone with myself, accepting all of me.
Day 20. Push and Pull
Being able to feel energy is one of my greatest gifts. Being in battle with my mind was exhausting, the constant push and pull led me down a series of events which caused me to channel my energy into healing my emotional trauma. Was the initial start easy? No, it was real pain with real tears. I am proud of the magical woman I am presently for being brave enough to accept and own my power.
Day 21. In Your Language
I want to touch your being and make you feel free. Against all odds, against all possibilities you and I were meant to be.
For a brief moment our souls intertwined with an exhilarating feeling of bliss. I wanted it to last longer bur there was a block that kept us apart. I could not speak in your language for after time it became subtle yet cold and I fell out of love with the man I first knew.
Day 22. No Good For Me
There is a certain pull or attraction to things that are no good for me. The red flags are up yet I persist until the fire cannot be contained and I find myself engulfed by the flames. The trill of the momentary feels subsided and I was back at one. The cycles halted when I found myself at the edge of a cliff facing my shadows bitter, broken and confused.
Day 23. Self–Soothing
When I feel as if the world is on my shoulders it’s a sure sign that I need to slow down. Unwinding for me includes a hot shower, a Neo- soul mix playing , candles lit and dancing in front of the mirror. These self-soothing practices allow me surrender and live in the present moment, return to what feels good.